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... because it was oh-so-terrible. ^_~
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It wasn't offensive for any intent on your part, DD. But I believe some of the sweeping judgements you made, defining teenagers as 'real' or 'unreal' by some rather superficial likes or dislikes set off the alarm bell in YWS' writers' heads. '_' '' Was it meant to be an essay, actually? Or were you rather more just exploring the ideas?
Sorry you guys feel this way and I'll make the suggested changes, but I really didn't think it was that offensive.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people start sentences with "But". Every now and then it's okay, but you used it for two sentences.
Suggestion: "Life is hard to understand as it is, but it's even harder to understand how people think when they're at that pivotal age between kid and adult. In other words, teenagers make no sense."
This is a little bit better, since the but has now connected a sentence. The sentence is too wordy now; which means the sentence isn't efficent.
Rewrite#1: "Life is hard as it is, but it's even harder to comprehend how teenagers minds work."
Wait a minute though, what's this all about? Is this about how tough a teenagers life is, or is it about how teenagers minds work? This piece is confused right at the get-go. Still, the last sentence kind of saves you, but it starts with but.
*Shakes head*
This isn't very persuasive. You begin with the hypothesis that every person who is a fan of pop singers is a "Real" kid.
Weren't we talking about teenagers?
Okay, back to the "Real" kids. How does listening to music relate to there respective category? What about the fans of Britany Spears or Hillary Duff makes them "Real?" You don't really say why, which leaves this article wide open for criticism.
Now, let's go to the Entertainment Tonight piece.
First off, you didn't quote Entertainment Tonight, or at least you didn't give a source for it. Sources are important if you want people to verify what you're saying. The piece is suspect, since the name of the person was censored. It makes this piece of information impossible to confirm, which sucks. I'd recommend leaving it out and finding a better example.
Which leads me to Entertainment Tonight. How do you know ET that what they are showing is representative of "Real" kids? This needs to be clearly explained, otherwise adults won't get it.
There is no way to verify any of this anywhere. Common sense is telling me you are referring to posers, but there isn't any concrete link. You're using broad generalizations to identify these people, but none of them are accurate.
Posers are nothing more than people who mimic what everyone else is doing for the sake of being cool. I just summarized the entire thing in one sentence. Only one. Imagine what you can do with the other three sentences! "They are easily recognizable because of the willingness to change their personality."
The last sentence looks good, but the examples are killing me.
Same sweeping generalizations without a single definition in sight!
Stigma?
Why don't you simply define them as kids who have personality, but aren't really cool? Why do I have the urge to write a proper article about this?
Exactly, what are you describing? Where is the topic sentence? Something like "Not only do teenagers divide themselves according to these, but they divide themselves on a gender basis." Even so, THERE IS NO SOURCE! If this is a personal observation, then you should say so.
No topic sentence. These sentences mean nothing if they aren't structured, which is what the idea of a paragraph is: to give it structure.
Now we come to the end.
You started the essay off with no real structure. Your title doesn't match the thesis, which in turn doesn't match any of the paragraphs. You need to improve the organization of this essay and quickly.
While you're looking at organization, also look at clarifying the article. One bad thing you kept on doing is that you always described some of the qualities of the respective groups without giving us a real definition. Just because you like rap music doesn't mean you're a poser. Just cause you like Britany Spears, doesn't mean you're real. What you need to do is ignore what people do and define what they are.
Finally, why should we care about these groups? Is it so we can see them? Or is there something we should do about this? A conclusion should clarify why this is relevent to the reader.
It makes a very good journal entry - it seems to honestly reflect things you've thought about, but most of all reflect feeling. Every word tells of a world you see and feel. But though it has the form of an expository essay in the superficial it's not organised or related to reason. There's no logical progression from thesis to conclusion (though it could be the outline, or wonders leading up to organisation). From labels (i.e. unreal, etc.) you jump to conclusion.
Do you connect reality then with self-esteem? Is perception of the world what makes these children different? And if so - how can you judge between - surely then it's all subjective?
You pop this sort of thing in a lot. The pretend kids fill in a gap...therefore they think they're individuals ...but they're not because they're like everyone else...who are like what? What gap?
In the world there those who lead and those who follow. Following is neither pretend nor 'unreal' (though following blindly is hardly a virtue). So are the followers then not real?
Anyhow, I'll leave it at that. I'm not exactly sure what you're aiming at - you begin informally, and fade into the essay form. If these are just thoughts - interesting, certainly - but think about my questions. You're labeling without reason.
Hey Dream Deep,
Since you commented on my play, I have decided to return the favor and read over your paper and put my ideas out there.
First off, I believe that classiflying something such as teenagers is an almost impossible task but I will leave this to you to manage.
To be a teenager is a time when you have to find yourself, to find out what you like and dislike and overall, to expierence everything you can before you reach the age of adult.
So, since I am not a fan of Brittany Spears, I am a unreal kid? Do you like Brittany Spears? Because it seems that way. You say that people that dont fit in with thier generation are unreal because they dont like people such as Brittany Spears and they enjoy subjects such war and world cultures. Well..at this moment..singers such as Eminem are much more popular then Brittany Spears. There is also...a War going on...so it comes up alot with what kids tend to talk about. Teenagers need someone to confide in in order for them to feel accepted and safe.
Remember that you have just called about 97% of American Teenagers Unreal or Pretend kids. The rap teenagers may actually like rap. The Kids who enjoy talking about something more interesting then Pop-culture (to them) may not be unreal. So then you have a problem if you have a 17 year old that acts his age, listens to rap music and enjoys discussing war and politics.
All in all, this is just my view on it. I really enjoyed reading your paper, it kinda gave me a new view on things. I hope you dont think I am lashing out at you or something in that nature.
Thanks for putting it on there. Hope you keep reading my plays and I will keep reading your papers.
Neost.
I really don't think I understand what your intentions were with this or what the whole point of it was. What do these labels mean and why are you using them? They make no sense to me. The word real, when it comes to identity, talks about being true to yourself, what you really are, and not pretending to be something else. It also seems like you're putting down average people, and people who just want to be themselves. I really felt quite insulted by the term "unreal kid." If I'm not real, what am I?
Since there are five paragraphs, I think it is safe to assume that this was meant to be your basic beginngers five-paragraph essay. The problem with this one is that it does not have a solid thesis, which is why it doesn't seem to have a point. What are you trying to say? What I got from it is that you're praising celebrities and people who are act like celebrities, and are critisizing everyone else. This essay gave me the impression that you do not know truly understand the issues that this essay touches on. It is very complex, and there are many factors not considered.
And to comment on the title, your main topic is not pop culture, and therefore is not an appropriate title. Your main topic would be about the psychology of teenagers.
Overall I agree with the whole topic, and I did think it made sense. However, I don't understand why you used the word's 'real' and 'unreal'. What makes what you describe as a 'real' person any more real than an 'unreal' person?
Also, according to your piece, I'm unreal. I wouldn't consider myself that, though. I think I'm a real person in the sense that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I would say the group you described as the 'pretend' kids could be called the unreal kids. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should change your labels so they fit more appropriately.